Report From The Campaign Trail

Obama Takes $5 Million From Random Millionaire

Barack Obama has loaned his campaign $5 million from a random millionaire he's never met. The Democratic candidate for President acted on the heels of news that Senator Hillary Clinton had personally given her campaign a second loan in addition to the $5 million she lent in February. The millionaire in question, Curtis Smoot, the 87 year-old founder of Roto Rooter Plumbing systems has no idea about the loan, and when contacted by Political Playhouse was even shaky about the fact that the country is embroiled in a fiercely contested race for the Presidency. "Barack who?" he gasped into the phone like a flummoxed old man losing touch with the world around him.

The Obama campaign made it clear that he'd singled out Mr. Smoot after coming across his name on a stolen subscriber list for The Robb Report. "We were looking for an individual with a high net worth who was on the verge of losing his or her faculties. Mr. Smoot fits the bill like a dream," said a spokesman.

Obama addressed the loan this morning in a Des Moines, Iowa campaign stop. "My competitor has been loaning her campaigns huge sums of money from her personal fortune. Before going into public service, I was a community organizer. I drove a rusty, piece-of-trash car. I just finished paying off my student loans last year for the love of Jesus. I don't have that kind of scratch. So it's only fair that I select a millionaire at random and personally make a loan to my campaign on his behalf. While I have no legal rights to Mr. Smoots funds, I do authorize my campaign to seize $5 million from his accounts and immediately use those monies to purchase spot advertising in crucial battleground states during the general election."

Obama emphasized that Mr. Smoot had little choice in the matter. "We live in a culture of celebrity. Over the past months I've become quite well-known, gathering power and influence in the process. Some say that I'm an inspirational savant and an orator on the level of Cicero, Lincoln or Ryan Seacrest. I certainly have enough goodwill build up at this point to survive a few dubious transgressions. Like brutally stealing huge amounts of cash from a defenseless old man, for instance."

While the Obama campaign was hopeful they could pay Mr. Smoot back at a later date, they did emphasize that it wasn't their money, so they didn't really care.

Economist Says Americans Are “Cheapskates”

As the country heads into a potential recession, one noted economist thinks the U.S. Consumer needs to loosen the purse stings a little and stop being such a spoilsport cheapskate. "Honestly," crowed Richard Luva, Chief Economist at The Institute For American Progress, "the U.S. consumer needs to lighten up. Two-thirds of the economy is driven by consumer spending, so now's not the time to become a decrepit miser like your prickly Uncle Mort. C'mon, live a little. It's just money...and in the Internet and credit card age, it's just transferring pieces of data from your account to some retailer. Money isn't even a physical thing you should care about parting with."

Luva feels that most U.S. consumers are being overly cautious and risk-averse, “If you see something you like, buy it now before it's too late. Even if you have to finance it with one of those credit cards from Capital One that they only offer to Welfare Queens with distressed credit. Just charge it. Don't even think about it."

Optimists like Luva think the media does a disservice to citizens by playing up the doom and gloom of tough economic times. "I'll say it again," shouted a vitriolic Luva. "Most of us haven't handled cold hard cash from a bank teller in five years. So why is the U.S. Consumer being so protective of their "nest egg?" Your nest egg is a series of ones and zeros on Bank of America's mainframe. If you clean out those ones and zeros, you can virtually replace them with more ones and zeros some other day. Trust me.

If citizens have maxed out their credit cards, Luva recommends putting the health and welfare of loved ones at risk. "Does your daughter really need braces? Do you really need that prostate exam, or would you rather a 10-day all-inclusive golf vacation to the verdant Scottish highlands? Would you rather 10 grand in a non-descript "emergency fund" or in a totally redesigned kitchen that will make you feel like the cranky, rich jerk you've always wanted to be? It's all about choices people."